Bonus Material from the Nebraska Series Page 4

  “Since when?”

  “Since I saw how you all ended up. No woman is going to tell me what to do.”

  Joel: That was on page 198 in the paperback version of the book. I made it clear I am not going to get married. Ever.

  Ruth: Oh Joel, you’re so cute, thinking you can go against the script for Shotgun Groom. What’s ironic is that Tom’s going to finally get his wish in this book. He’s been itching to get back at you for all the jokes you made at his expense in A Bride for Tom and The Wrong Husband.

  Joel: What does Tom have to do with this?

  Ruth: You’ll see.

  Joel: I don’t like it when you talk in these cryptic messages. Can’t you just come out and say it?

  Ruth: And spoil the surprise? Never.

  Joel: Hmm… Fine. Whatever. I don’t care. It’s not like I’m worried about anything Tom can do. Knowing him, he’ll probably bump into a wall and go unconscious so his part in the scene won’t amount to much.

  Ruth: That’s not fair. Tom is only clumsy when he’s nervous.

  Joel: *snickers* That’s what makes him so much fun to mess with.

  Ruth: Oh you just wait. Soon enough, he’ll be thinking you’re a lot of fun to mess with. *winks*

  Joel: There you go again with the cryptic messages.

  Ruth: If I laid everything out for you, where would be the suspense? Besides, we already know you’ll be getting married.

  Joel: I think I’m going on strike. I’ll even talk to the other characters. I bet I can get them to join me, too. We’re going to demand that our wishes be heard. You think you’ll finish Shotgun Groom, but I got news for you. We’ll give you severe writer’s block and–

  Ruth: *bursts out laughing* You’ve got to stop. You’re killing me here. I can’t stop laughing! Joel, you are just too much fun. Look, I’ll talk to you later, okay?

  Joel: Ruth! This isn’t over. I’m serious about this book. *picks up 101 Ways to Kill Your Author, opens it * Stupid authors telling their characters what to do.

  ***

  Second Interview with Joel Larson (Hero in Shotgun Groom)

  (Blog post made on 08/16/2011)

  Ruth Ann Nordin: I had to call in Joel Larson today because of the stunt he pulled late last night while I was writing Shotgun Groom. As it turns out, today he was being just as obstinate so I dragged him in for an interview. So, here’s my conversation with Joel…

  Joel Larson: Ah ha! I got you, Ruth!

  Ruth: So you did. You do realize, however, the story isn’t even halfway over.

  Joel: Are you kidding me? There’s no way you can proceed with this book. I’m being a total jerk. I’m supposed to be a hero, but I’m not acting like a hero. Your readers are going to hate me, and that means you’ll get emails full of complaints about how you disappointed them. You’re known for having sweet heroes. If you go through with this book, you’ll ruin your reputation. And that is just one way to kill you in the 101 Ways to Kill an Author book I’m reading.

  Ruth: Oh, you’re not a jerk. You’re only being a jerk because you hope April and Sep will haul you into town and drop you off so you can get out of marrying her.

  Joel: That’s not true. I really am a jerk. I bragged on myself. Then I spilled lemonade on the table and tracked snow into the house on purpose!

  Ruth: Eh, minor things.

  Joel: Minor? Are you kidding me? My ma would’ve had my hide if I did that on purpose when I was growing up.

  Ruth: As I recall at the very end of my writing session today on Shotgun Groom, April just dumped a bucket of cold water on you for being a “jerk,” so she got even with you.

  Joel: Yes, and you stopped it right at that instant. Why didn’t you keep going?

  Ruth: Because my kid came home from school and I had to get him off the bus. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is, you might be acting like a jerk in the only way a Larson male could, but deep down, you’re not a jerk.

  Joel: You don’t know me. I can keep being a jerk. All through the book, too! Why, you just watch. I’ll give April’s kid syrup and let her run through the house with it!

  Ruth: Oh yeah, you’re a real dangerous guy, Joel. Remind me that I shouldn’t let you have a pair of scissors while you go by the curtains in the parlor.

  Joel: Hey, are you making fun of me?

  Ruth: Yep. Look, you threw me for a loop last night when you accused April of flirting with you in chapter one. That wasn’t part of the plan, but you decided to steer off course from the storyline. You were acting like your ego was bigger than the house. But you underestimate me, Joel. I’ve been at this writing thing for a long time, and I’ve come across surprises before. I’ve already figured out what I’m going to do to get even with you for this.

  Joel: Really? Bring it! I dare you. There are 100 more ways to kill an author that I haven’t tackled yet. Shotgun Groom is going down!

  Ruth: You know what your problem’s going to be?

  Joel: A crazy author who insists on writing romances all the time and picked me as her latest victim?

  Ruth: Okay. So you have two big problems. However, I was thinking of April. She’s not going to tolerate your “jerkish” behavior, and guess what?

  Joel: What?

  Ruth: You’ll like that about her.

  Joel: I will not!

  Ruth: You know what your greatest weakness is?

  Joel: The fact that you created me?

  Ruth: No, silly. Your greatest weakness is that you’re driven to help people. That’s why you became a doctor’s assistant.

  Joel: I don’t want to help anyone out enough to marry her.

  Ruth: Of course not. I’ll have to force that one. The book is called Shotgun Groom for a reason. You’re going to learn some things about April and Sep after you get married that will make you understand why they’re forcing you into this marriage.

  Joel: I seriously doubt that.

  Ruth: Well, it’s true. And just so you know, it does have to do with that third bedroom with the door that’s locked. I know you’ve been wondering about it, and yes, it plays a part in the book. It’s not the main reason why you’ll want to protect April and Sep, but I expect it to be one of those moments that will make your stance on not finishing the book crumble to the ground. You’re not as much of a jerk as you think. Nice try though. I admit you threw me off guard last night, but I’m bouncing back and you’ll find I can counteract whatever you got planned. So as you said, bring it on!

  ***

  Excerpt from Shotgun Groom and what Joel Larson and April “Soon to Be” Larson Think About It

  (08/19/2011)

  Here’s the excerpt:

  When Joel finished his sandwich, he thought about cleaning up but then decided April might like that and left the mess. The more of a pest he was, the better. For good measure, he spilled some lemonade on the table and left several pieces of broken up bread in a trail on the floor. He glanced at the kitchen door and decided to open it so some snow would blow in. There. His mother hated it when he tracked snow through the house when he was growing up, and this would make an even bigger mess for April to clean up.

  Satisfied, he shut the door and walked over the snow, tracking it down the hallway. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and wondered if he should go up there. Who was he kidding? He had nothing to say to these people until they agreed to let him go. When he returned to the parlor, he plopped back down on the couch and picked up the dime novel he’d been reading.

  He read three pages when footsteps coming down the stairs alerted him that April, Sep, and Nora were about to bother him. Putting his wet boots on the couch, he pretended he was engrossed in the novel.

  “What the…?” came April’s astonished unfinished question.

  “Snow!” Nora called out in excitement.

  “Nora, don’t,” April said.

  “I’ll get the mop,” Sep replied.

  Grinning, Joel rubbed his feet on the couch, making sure they saw the wet seat whe
n they came into the parlor.

  April stormed into the room, holding Nora’s hand. “If you think letting snow into the house is getting you off the hook, you have another thing coming.”

  “What snow?” Joel asked, not bothering to look up from the dime novel in his hands.

  She swatted at his feet. “Get those boots off my couch!”

  “I’m making myself comfortable.” He yawned and rubbed the soles of the boots on the couch. “If I’m getting married, I’m going to make this house my castle. Last time I checked, the head of the house can do whatever he wants.” That wasn’t totally true. His mother, after all, had given his father an earful on occasion, but why let April know that?

  She set Nora down on her rocking chair and stomped back over to him. “You are being disrespectful. We can’t afford another couch.”

  Shrugging, he yawned and kept his eyes on the novel in front of him. “The best kind of wife is one who knows how to keep her trap shut. Just like a kid. Best seen and not heard.”

  She gasped.

  Looking up at her, he said, “I heard you. That’s not permissible.”

  She grunted and left the parlor.

  He smirked. It was only a matter of time before she tossed him out.

  Nora rocked back and forth in the chair and squealed in delight.

  With a glance over his shoulder, he darted over to the rocker and stilled it. “Not so fast,” he whispered. “You don’t want to fall out and get hurt.”

  Then he returned to the couch, making sure his feet were back on it since it bothered April. Seeing that Nora was rocking softly in the chair, he turned his attention back to the dime novel and pretended to read it.

  Angry footsteps came back from the kitchen, and he hid his laughter. She must have seen the mess in that room, too. Keeping his eyes on the novel, he wasn’t prepared for the bucket of cold water that descended upon him. He bolted from the couch, his hair and shirt dripping wet.

  Now for the Interview:

  Ruth Ann Nordin: So, Joel. Do you think your ploy worked and you’ll get out of the impending marriage?

  Joel Larson: Ruth, I have so many problems with you that I don’t know where to begin. You have to be the worst author in history. First, you referred to April as the “soon-to-be” Larson in this interview. It’s not going to happen. Ever. Second, you just changed April’s brother’s age from 12 to 14. Given, no one read that in the excerpt you just presented, but that’s a glaring error that’ll earn you a bad review. Then you have that creepy third bedroom but locked it so I couldn’t find out what’s in there. (Again, this wasn’t covered in the excerpt, but it still deserves attention.) Please, everyone reading this, remember to give Ruth Ann Nordin a 1-star for this book. Not only is she marrying me against my will, but she’s also making me look like an idiot. Seriously, like I wouldn’t be on guard in case April did something obnoxious like pour water on me? I would never in a million years turn my back on her. Hasn’t my time with Tom taught you anything? I didn’t eat with those utensils when Tom had the dog lick them in A Bride for Tom, so why would I let April dump water on me?

  April “soon to be” Larson: Dumping water? I wish it was mashed potatoes or something sticky like honey. You got off easy with the way you talked to me, you buffoon. “A woman should be seen and not heard.” I have a mind to throw one of these beach rocks at you.

  Ruth: April, what are you doing in undergarments?

  April: I’m not in undergarments. I’m wearing a nice tank top and a long skirt.

  Ruth: But you’re in the 1800s. You’re practically naked. And stop staring, Joel.

  Joel: I’m not staring! I’m reading what she typed under her picture.

  April: *sighs* Look, I time traveled to 2011 to the beach, okay? I heard it’s summer at the time you’re writing this and thought I’d get a break from the blizzard we just had in the story. Considering the kind of things women wear in your time period, I’m fully dressed.

  Joel: Really?

  Ruth: Let’s get back to the interview, you two. April, what do you think of this upcoming marriage? Good idea? Bad?

  April: I do what I have to do. Sep might be muscular and tall for his age, but he’s only fourteen.

  Joel: He’s fourteen today. Who knows how old he’ll be tomorrow when the author does some so-called revising. *rolls eyes*

  April: Regardless of how old Sep will be in the final version, I’m still older than him. He can’t keep Lou away forever.

  Joel: Lou? Who’s Lou?

  April: I explained Lou to you earlier in the story. Weren’t you paying attention?

  Joel: I had a gun pointed at me by your psycho brother, and despite his young age, I wasn’t able to escape, even though I’m 22. I hope the readers take note of how implausible that is when they go to leave a review of this book.

  Ruth: You know what, Joel? You keep those snide comments up, and I’m going to have you kiss April well before the halfway point in the book.

  April: Why punish me? I stuck around for this book. I could have run off again as soon as Joel accused me of flirting with him in chapter one.

  Joel: *snickers* You know you wanted me. That’s why you decided to kidnap me.

  April: I’ll be happy to hit him over the head with my rolling pin if you need me to put him in place, Ruth. Or I could slip something into his supper while you write chapter six.

  Joel: Ha ha. I suppose you think you’re funny.

  April: All I’m saying is you probably want to watch what you eat. *shrugs* I want to make it clear to everyone that I don’t want to marry Joel Larson. I have to. Lou will come back, and Sep isn’t old enough to get rid of him if Lou’s sober, which he might be next time. Even if Joel’s not strong or tall or good looking-

  Joel: Hey!

  April: He’ll still pose enough of a threat to make Lou stay away. I don’t have any other option. It’s not like there were a lot of men in chapter one to choose from.

  Joel: What in the world does this Lou want?

  April: I don’t know. I suppose that’s something we’re going to find out toward the end of the book.

  Joel: I don’t suppose the author would enlighten us on this point?

  Ruth: If I did that, why would anyone read the book? The first rule in writing is to make people turn the page by wondering–

  Joel: Blah, blah, blah. To everyone reading this, remember to leave a 1-star review when this travesty gets published. Maybe we can get her to revise this horror novel so I become a free man again.

  Ruth: Joel, are you bookmarking this interview on your Netbook?

  Joel: *hides computer behind his back* I don’t know what you’re talking about.

  Ruth: I thought you were a gentleman. And here you are saving April’s picture as a screen saver.

  Joel: I am doing no such thing, and you can’t prove it.

  Ruth: It’s a good thing you’re marrying her or else I’d have your hide for this. Well, in the interest of continuing the story and making sure April doesn’t poison our beloved hero, who has a classic case of denial, I’ll end the interview now.

  Photo Credits:

  April at the beach: ID 15329156 © Viktoriia Kulish | Dreamstime.com

  ***

  Shotgun Groom: The Horror Novel Poster

  (and an interview with Joel and Tom Larson as they discuss Joel’s tragic role)

  (Blog post made on 08/23/2011)

  Ruth Ann Nordin: I’ve been playing around with a program called GIMP that allows you to merge pictures, and I decided I would make a novel poster on behalf of Joel Larson. As a bonus, I thought I’d bring in Joel and his brother, Tom Larson, for an interview. Without further ado, here is the poster…