To Have and To Hold Read online

“You’re right, it isn’t.”

  She blinked and tried to figure out what she might say to help ease the sudden tension in the

  room. She’d already had an argument with her mother, and even though she didn’t like Katie,

  she didn’t have the energy for another confrontation. Clearing her throat, she ventured, “I’d like

  to make breakfast, if that’s alright?”

  Katie nodded and left the room.

  Releasing her breath, she turned to the bowls and pan to get started.

  ***

  Dave watched Bert, Katie, and their son Gerald during breakfast. He doubted he was any

  good at picking up the subtleties of this family and how its members related to each other. With

  a glance at Mary, he wondered if she detected something he didn’t. For the most part, Gerald

  rambled on about different types of fish and the different lakes he’d been to. Mary and Katie

  joined in the conversation more often than Bert who had to be nursing a hangover.

  Dave was surprised he managed to hide it so wel . The only indication his head hurt was when

  he rubbed his forehead and winced, and this mostly occurred whenever Katie let out a shril

  laugh at one of Gerald’s jokes. Dave could be jumping to conclusions, but he suspected she

  laughed like that on purpose just so she did hurt her husband.

  “Are we going fishing today, Pa?” Gerald asked, turning his gaze to his father as Bert drank

  more of his coffee.

  Bert set the cup down on the table and nodded. “Sure are, son.”

  So Bert did love his boy, just as Dave suspected. That was good. It’d help when he talked to

  Bert.

  “Maybe we’l get another big one for you, Ma,” Gerald said.

  Katie smiled as she cut into her french toast. “I’m sure you wil .”

  “The day is good for fishing, isn’t it, Pa?”

  Bert nodded and took another drink of his coffee.

  “I can’t wait to eat more fish tonight,” Gerald continued and then looked at Mary. “You’l fix it,

  won’t you?”

  “I’l be happy to as long as it’s alright with your mother,” Mary replied, glancing Katie’s way.

  Katie let out another shril laugh which made Bert wince. “Of course, you can, Mary. I know

  how much you love to cook. I wouldn’t dream of depriving you of the kitchen.”

  Though Mary responded with a polite smile, Dave knew it was hard for her. In the time he’d

  known her, she often sought permission like that when she felt uncomfortable.

  “Oh good!” Gerald gulped down the last of his juice. “I can’t wait!” He set the glass on the

  table and looked at his father. “May I be excused so I can get the fishing gear ready?”

  “We’re not going until we’ve paid our respects at the wake,” Bert told him.

  “I know that, Pa. I just wanted to get things ready.”

  Bert nodded, and Gerald bolted up before remembering the cloth napkin on his lap. With a

  sheepish grin, he apologized to his mother, wiped his mouth, and gently placed the napkin on

  the table.

  Once he left the room, Katie shook her head. “You can’t blame a boy for being eager to enjoy

  a nice summer’s day, can you?”

  “No, you can’t,” Mary replied before she cut into the last of her french toast. “I think children

  and summer days go together.”

  Though Mary didn’t continue, Dave caught the wistful smile on her face and wondered if she

  thought of Isaac scouting the land for frogs and Rachel staying by her side on the porch while

  she rested in the late morning or early afternoon.

  Katie stood up and started col ecting the empty plates on the table. “We should get ready to

  go to Mother’s.”

  Mary shot Dave an uneasy glance, so Dave asked, “Should we come or stay here?”

  Katie paused with the stack of dishes in her arms. “I’l go see Mother and find out what she

  prefers. Mary, wil you be a dear and take care of the dishes while I’m gone?”

  “Yes.” Mary stood up and hurried to help her sister.

  Dave bit back his irritation with Katie for expecting Mary to come in and do al the work for her,

  especial y since Mary might not be welcome to her own father’s wake. Granted, her father

  wasn’t alive to be aware of whether Mary got to pay her last respects or not, but the way her

  siblings rushed to do whatever her mother wanted was upsetting him to no end. Even if she

  was their mother, it didn’t seem right that she should be al owed to shun one of her children

  from the man’s wake.

  But he had something more important to tend to at the moment. As the women left the room,

  he looked over at Bert who hadn’t touched much of his food, though he’d gone through three

  cups of coffee. Bert had to have been feeling sick if he didn’t eat Mary’s food.

  Resting his arms on the table so that he was leaning towards Bert, Dave lowered his voice and

  said, “Do you remember last night?”

  Bert turned his red eyes in his direction and sighed. “Barely. Sorry you had to see me like

  that.”

  Mary came back into the room to gather the rest of the dishes, and Dave waited until she was

  out of the room before he continued talking to Bert. “You had a gun. I thought you were going

  to—” he shrugged—“kil yourself.”

  He rubbed his eyes and kept his hand over them.

  “Look, I’m not trying to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong, but to be honest, I was afraid

  you were going to go through with it. I didn’t realize there were no bul ets.”

  “I don’t have enough courage to put the bul ets in. Not yet anyway.” He put his hand down and

  made eye contact with Dave. “You don’t know how it is to live with her.”

  “You’re right. I don’t. I have no idea what you’re going through, but I can see you love your

  son.”

  He nodded.

  “I don’t know what to tel you about Katie. I suppose there’s not much that can be done on that

  count. But you got your son to live for. He looks up to you, you know. I’ve been watching him

  during breakfast, and I think it’d break his heart if you actual y did put bul ets into that gun one

  day and fol ow through with it.”

  Bert wiped the tears from his eyes. “I didn’t think of it like that.”

  Unsure of what else to say, Dave gave him an understanding nod and left the room so Bert

  could have time to himself to think things through.

  ***

  Mary’s cheeks burned with a mixture of shame and anger. She dried the last dish she’d

  cleaned and placed it on one of the shelves lining the wal s. Setting the damp cloth on the

  worktable, she turned to Katie who offered her a sympathetic smile. If Grace hadn’t been

  standing next to her, Mary wouldn’t have believed her. But Grace had no reason to lie.

  “Mother forbids me to go to the wake?” Mary repeated, needing to hear the words again.

  Grace stepped toward Mary. “Maybe we can work something out. Everyone wil be there.

  The place with be crowded.”

  Katie placed a hand on her hip and shook her head. “Mother wil stil notice her.”

  “But with al the people there, she’l be too busy to worry about it.”

  “I don’t know,” Katie replied. “Mother doesn’t like to be upset, and I’m sure losing Father is

  hard enough on her.”

  Grace groaned as she gave Katie a pointed look. “Losing Father is hard on al of us. We are

  his children.”

&n
bsp; “But Mary doesn’t even remember us. Wel , not real y.”

  Mary wondered if she should tel them she remembered everything now, minus some things

  from her life in Nebraska. But did she dare? Katie was intentional y messing with her by

  changing things on her and blaming it on her faulty memory, like saying her husband was

  Clifford when it was real y Bert and then pretending she’d never cal ed him Clifford. It seemed

  to Mary that as long as Katie didn’t know what Mary remembered, it worked to Mary’s

  advantage. Who knew what else Katie would do because she found it humorous?

  Grace wrapped her arm around Mary’s shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze. “It doesn’t

  matter how much Mary remembers. She’s stil his daughter, and he was stil glad he got a

  chance to see her again.”

  He was? Mary glanced at Grace.

  Grace smiled at her. “He was very happy he talked to you and Dave. He said he’s grateful to

  Dave for taking such good care of you.”

  Touched, Mary blinked back her tears.

  “I don’t see what that has to do with Mother,” Katie spoke up with a slight scowl on her face.

  “This isn’t about Mother,” Grace replied. “It’s about the entire family, and Mary is a part of it.”

  “A part that left for Nebraska,” Katie added.

  “And since I left for New Jersey, am I also no longer a part of the family?”

  “You had to leave because your husband needed a good job.”

  “I don’t see the difference.”

  “The difference is that Mary could have stayed but didn’t.”

  Grace’s cheeks grew pink. “Because she wanted to get married. You can’t fault her for that.”

  Mary cleared her throat before Katie could reply. “I’l be leaving tomorrow, so no one has to

  worry about me overstepping my bounds at the funeral.”

  Mary knew her voice held a bitter edge to it, but in al honesty, she couldn’t help it. Was this

  what everyone but Grace thought? That it was a sin for her to leave Maine to seek out a better

  life? Was she real y supposed to be stuck here, never knowing the joys of a husband and

  children? They wanted her to confine herself to quiet misery while she cooked and sewed and

  did their bidding? So they al agreed with Mother? That she had betrayed them when she left?

  “You’re not overstepping any bounds, Mary,” Grace quickly assured her.

  “Don’t lie to me, Grace,” Mary replied. “You’ve never lied to me before so don’t start now. I’m

  not welcome here.”

  “I’m not lying. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

  “It doesn’t matter if I’ve done something wrong or not. What matters is that I’m no longer of

  use to them.” Mary took a deep breath to steady her nerves. She real y hated confrontations,

  but she didn’t see a way out of this any more than she’d seen one when it came to her mother.

  “I’m glad I got to see Father again, and I appreciate that he stood up for me when Mother

  didn’t want to let me become a mail-order bride. While I won’t be at the funeral, I wil attend

  the wake. I know he’s not there, but I stil want to tel him good-bye.” Looking at Katie, she

  added, “And you don’t need to worry. I won’t stay longer than five minutes. Surely, Mother can

  bear with me until then. And if she can’t, I suggest you take her to the kitchen so she doesn’t

  have to see me at al .”

  Katie narrowed her eyes at her, but Mary decided not to pay her any mind. That was al she’d

  do to upset Katie. She’d keep her mouth shut on everything else.

  Turning her attention to Grace, Mary straightened her shoulders back, her mind set. “Dave and

  I wil be at Mother’s in fifteen minutes.”

  Grace nodded, and Mary left the room to find Dave.

  ***

  Fifteen minutes later, Mary and Dave approached her mother’s house. Her gaze swept the

  two-story structure. This was where she’d grown up. To her surprise, she didn’t feel the

  anxiety she expected to experience in coming here. In fact, she was at peace with it. It wasn’t

  something she anticipated since she had such a difficult time sleeping last night, but she felt it

  al the same. She glanced at Dave who, in many ways, was her pil ar of strength. Perhaps

  some of her calm came from him.

  “Are you sure you want to go in there?” he asked.

  “You’re with me,” she replied with a nod.

  “Always.”

  That was al she needed. She pressed forward and he joined her. As they approached the

  porch, her brothers Chet and Stan glanced her way. She didn’t know if they agreed with Katie,

  that she’d do better not to show up. If they did, then that was their problem. Not hers. She

  avoided the stares from them and the other eight family members who quietly talked on the

  porch.

  She crossed the porch and opened the storm door, scanning the large group of people in the

  house. Dave fol owed her into the entryway, and three of Mary’s sisters-in-law turned toward

  them.

  “Mary,” one began, her eyes wide, “we didn’t think you’d be coming.”

  Mary cleared her throat. “I wanted to say good-bye to my father. There’s nothing wrong with

  that, is there?”

  The woman blushed. “No, of course not.”

  “Good.”

  Before the woman or the other two could say anything, Mary walked by them and wove her

  way through the crowd. She avoided eye contact with everyone and headed straight for the

  coffin in the parlor. No one spoke to her, though she could feel their eyes on her, probably

  shocked she dared to show up when her mother specifical y forbade her to. Though her face

  warmed, she ignored the reminder. Her mother wasn’t anywhere in sight, so Katie must have

  heeded her warning. That was good, she supposed. It meant there wasn’t the chance of a

  fight where everyone could see it, but it also proved how little her mother thought of her. She

  couldn’t imagine treating Isaac or Rachel this way.

  Forcing the thought of her mother aside, Mary turned her attention to her father’s body. Now

  that she remembered him better, it was easier to understand the man she was now looking at.

  She’d never been close to him while growing up. He’d been the provider and spent a lot of his

  time at work or reading his paper when he came home. But he understood her in ways her

  mother never did. While he wasn’t often vocal about his feelings, she now knew he’d often

  spoken on her behalf when there was something she wanted to do that real y mattered to her,

  whether it was cooking at the restaurant so she could gain a sense of independence or going to

  Nebraska so she could have a family. Had it not been for him, she wouldn’t be where she was

  today.

  She smiled at him and said the only thing that came to mind. “Thank you for everything, Pa.”

  Sensing the moment was complete, she turned to Dave. “I’m ready to go.”

  “Is that it?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  Nodding, he took her by the elbow and walked with her as they made their way back through

  the crowd of her relatives. To her surprise, Stan approached them. Unsure if this was going to

  lead to something unpleasant, like perhaps her mother asking that he escort her out, she

  studied his face for an indication of what she could expect.

  He smiled and she relaxed. “It was good seeing you again, Mary.” He held his hand out to
<
br />   Dave. “You take care of my little sister, you hear?”

  “Of course,” Dave replied and shook his hand.

  “Thank you, Stan,” she added, realizing he might receive some criticism for speaking to them so

  openly in front of their family members.

  Grace and Calvin came up behind him. “Did you get to say good-bye to Father?” Grace asked

  Mary, her eyes shifting to the people around them who were watching everything with more

  interest than Mary thought they should have.

  “Yes, I did,” Mary replied, her face stil warm from al the attention. “We were on our way out.”

  “We’l walk with you back to Katie’s,” Grace said.

  “Actual y, I’d rather go for a walk, perhaps go back to the lighthouse and see it one last time.”

  Mary looked at Dave who indicated the plan was fine with him.

  “Alright.” Grace smiled. “We’l be at Katie’s tonight for supper, and it’l be just you and me in

  the kitchen. I can’t let you leave before we have another chance to talk like we used to.”

  “I’m looking forward to it.” And she was. It’d be nice to talk to Grace again, especial y since

  she remembered how much they used to enjoy each other’s company. “I’l see you then.”

  Holding her head higher than she could ever recal doing in the past, Mary left the house with

  Dave at her side.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Mary inhaled the fresh air as the waves lapped lazily in the distance. Once again, she sat next

  to Dave at the same bench close to the lighthouse. Last time, she had trouble sensing the calm

  her father spoke of, but this time, she felt it. Now she could understand that in the whole

  scheme of things, everything about Maine real y didn’t matter. And maybe that was what he

  was trying to show her—that she didn’t have to feel guilty for embracing her new life because

  what mattered most were her husband and children. Her first responsibility was to them. If her

  mother couldn’t accept it, then there was nothing she could do about it.

  With a contented sigh, she leaned against Dave and rested her head on his shoulder. She

  closed her eyes and final y recal ed the parts of her past she’d wanted to desperately

  remember ever since she woke up in the parlor back home and wondered who she was and

  how she got there.