Breaking the Rules Read online

  “It’s all right.” Mr. Squire leaned forward, glanced at the board, and then looked at him. “Will you be upset if I take that pawn?”

  Roger’s gaze went to the board, and at once, he realized he’d put the pawn in danger. Despite everything going on with Lilly, he found himself laughing. “I can’t believe I missed such an obvious play.”

  “I suppose it’s to my benefit that you aren’t that happy with your wife,” Mr. Squire said as he took the piece. “It’s allowing me to win the game.”

  Yes, apparently it was. And to think only a half hour ago, he’d thought he’d figured out a way to get Lilly to stop affecting his mood. Perhaps he was just going to have to get another townhouse and let her live there. Then, maybe then, he’d be free of her.

  Or maybe not. All it’d taken was for Lord Valentine to mention having a dinner party, and Roger’s good mood had plummeted. He just might be doomed to be miserable for the rest of his life. Doing his best to hide his frustration, he forced his attention back to the game.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “He hates me, and there’s nothing I can do about it,” Lilly admitted later that day after she and Emilia told Kitty what happened at White’s.

  The three friends were in the drawing room of Lilly’s townhouse with the doors closed so no one would overhear their conversation. Though the sugar Lilly had stirred into her cup of tea had dissolved, she kept moving the spoon around. Never in her life had she felt so despondent. In the past, there had always been some glimmer of hope to keep her believing she could get what she wanted, but all she saw this time was a deep black hole.

  “So that’s it?” Kitty asked in surprise. “After all you’ve done, you’re just going to give up?”

  Lilly shot her friend a bewildered look. “What else can I do?”

  “I know things seem bad,” Kitty began, “but you’ve done too much to quit now.”

  “I’m not going fox hunting,” Lilly said. “I thought about it, and all I’d be doing is deceiving him again. It’s bad enough he thought I was Mr. Squire. If he had found out he was playing chess with me, it would have made things worse.”

  “And you’re not going to a dinner party at Lord Valentine’s,” Emilia insisted after she swallowed the crumpet she’d been eating.

  “No, I’m not going to do that, either,” Lilly assured her friend, recalling how panicked poor Emilia had been when she discovered why Lord Valentine had been talking to Roger.

  Emilia relaxed, and Lilly felt better knowing she could at least do something to make things easier for her friend.

  “I’m done with all the deception,” Lilly continued. “All it does is make things worse.”

  “But you can’t give up,” Kitty argued, setting her cup down. “The Lilly I know and love would find another way around this.”

  “Don’t you see that’s the problem?” Lilly asked. “Anything I do will upset Roger. There’s nothing else I can do.”

  “You’re wrong,” Kitty said. “You haven’t tried the truth. You need to go to Roger when no one is around and tell him everything that’s in your heart. Be sincere. Be who you really are. Stop being the person you think everyone else wants you to be.”

  “I hate to say it, but she makes a good argument,” Emilia added. “You spend all your time trying to prove you’re the most attractive and charming lady in London. I know it’s why you had so many suitors, but you weren’t showing anyone who you really were. There’s nothing wrong with the real you. I like it when you are who you’re being right now.”

  “You like it when I’m weak?” Lilly asked.

  “I prefer the term ‘vulnerable’, and yes, I do,” Emilia replied. “You’re not perfect. You’re like us.” She gestured to Kitty and then herself. “This is why we’re friends with you. We didn’t care that, up until recently, you had people in the Ton admiring everything you said and did. We didn’t care that we benefited from our association with you.”

  “I know that,” Lilly said. She’d realized most people only wanted to be around her because it boosted their standing in the Ton. “It is nice that you two are willing to still visit me even after I fell from grace.”

  “Roger was never interested in your public standing, either,” Kitty replied. “You can’t give up on someone like that. You have to show him the person you’re showing us right now.”

  Emilia nodded. “She’s right. It’s time to be honest with him.”

  “What if he still doesn’t want to talk to me?” Lilly asked.

  “If that happens, then you’ll know you did your best to get him to fall in love with you again,” Kitty softly replied. “And you’ll deal with the consequences then. But it’s too soon to give up.”

  Lilly glanced at Emilia who gave her an encouraging nod. She finally stopped stirring her tea and set the spoon down. “All right, I’ll be honest with him about everything. I suppose the worst that will happen is that he’ll make me live in another townhouse all by myself.”

  “You won’t have to do that,” Emilia said. “I’ll let you live with me.”

  “Or you can live with me,” Kitty offered. “You won’t have to live all alone.”

  Lilly felt a little better. She didn’t want to live in a townhouse all by herself. Sure, there would be a couple of servants to tend to her every need, but it wasn’t the same as being with a family member, a husband, or a friend. Unlike her sister, she didn’t like being alone. It had a way of making her feel restless.

  “I never appreciated how wonderful you two are before,” Lilly told them and smiled. “Thank you.”

  They returned her smile, and Lilly began to think of how she might approach Roger the next time he was home.

  ***

  As it turned out, Roger returned home around nine that evening. Lilly had told her lady’s maid to let her know when he arrived so that she could be ready to talk to him.

  And now that he was here, she considered changing her mind.

  No. She had to do this. Kitty and Emilia were right. She needed to be upfront with him about everything. It was the only thing she hadn’t done. And, really, what did she have to lose?

  She directed her attention to the mirror above her vanity. Her gaze went to the dark hair she’d had her lady’s maid carefully pin up around her head. It was almost like she was looking at a different person. She’d chosen to take the wig off because she felt that if she was going to come out with the truth, she might as well reveal everything. Even if she wasn’t as pretty without the wig, she owed it to him to let him see her as she was. At least the purple gown showed off her better features.

  She put her hand over her stomach. The nauseous feeling had been there ever since she’d decided to do this, and now that the moment was here, it was getting worse.

  I can do this. If I can go up to Roger in front of everyone at a ball and kiss him, I can talk to him in private.

  Once her stomach settled enough so that she could focus, she slipped her chair under the doorknob connecting her bedchamber with his. She wasn’t going to go through all of this trouble just to have him bolt out of his bedchamber through this doorway. This was probably the only opportunity she was going to get, and she had to make the most of it.

  She left her bedchamber, went down the hall, and stopped outside the closed door of his bedchamber. She tested the doorknob. It wasn’t locked. She considered knocking, but if he called out to know who was on the other side and she didn’t answer, he might realize it was her. Then he’d have a chance to block the doorway before she could get into the room.

  She was going to have to surprise him. It was the only way.

  She braced herself for an unpleasant reaction and opened the door. She hurried into the room and closed the door before she lost her nerve.

  She searched for him and gasped when she saw he’d been getting undressed. He only had his undergarments on. She closed her eyes and spun to face the door.

  “What are you doing here?” Roger barked.

 
She heard him rushing around the room but refused to leave her spot at the door. She couldn’t, under any circumstances, let him escape. “Let me know when you’re dressed.”

  He let out a grunt, but after a few seconds, he said, “I have on a robe. You can look.”

  She turned around and was relieved to see he was fully covered.

  “Who are you, and what are you doing in this room?” he demanded, keeping his distance from her as he stood by the armoire. “What are you doing in this townhouse?”

  “I live here,” she replied. “I’m Lilly.”

  He squinted in the dim candlelight. “That’s impossible.”

  “No, it really is me.” She walked toward him so he could see her better.

  His eyes grew wide. “What happened to your hair?”

  Good. This was the perfect time to start telling him the truth. She had worried about how to start the conversation, and he’d just given her the perfect opening. “I wear a blonde wig during the day. I don’t like how I look with my real hair.”

  “Why not?”

  She shrugged. “I think I look better as a blonde.”

  “Well, you’re wrong. The dark hair complements the color in your face more.”

  It did? Without thinking, she reached up and touched her hair.

  Roger shook his head. “What am I doing? You need to get out of here. I told you to stay away from me.”

  “Yes, I know you did, and I know you’re not happy with me.” Before he could get the wrong idea, she hurried to add, “Which I understand. I realize I’ve been horrible to you. I don’t deserve another chance.”

  “So why are you here?”

  “Well,” she clasped her hands together, “I came here to tell you the truth. About everything. That’s why I’m not wearing my wig.” She gestured to her hair.

  He eyed her warily. “Is there something else I should know?”

  “The first thing is that my name is really Lilly, and you met my real family.”

  She had hoped that by picking something light, it might help ease the tension, but when his expression darkened, she realized that tactic was the wrong one. She cleared her throat. “All right. I’ll be serious. Every day, I wish I hadn’t said no to your proposal. I had put my desire for a title ahead of common sense. My sister warned me I was making a terrible mistake, and she was right. The only good thing I can say about that time in my life is that I didn’t marry Lord Hedwrett. But that’s the only good thing I can say because, looking back, I know I never should have valued a title over the quality of the gentleman I was going to spend the rest of my life with.”

  She paused, checking for any indication that telling him the truth was softening him up, but he only stared at her as if she’d been discussing the weather.

  She released her breath. The nauseous feeling in her stomach was getting worse. She would push through it. She had to push through it. This was the only chance she’d get. Next time, he would keep his doors locked so she wouldn’t be able to talk to him again.

  “By the time I realized how foolish I’d been, I didn’t know how to make things right,” she continued. “You remind me of my sister in some ways. She doesn’t put on a pretense. How she is in public is how she is in private. She doesn’t care how many people she can impress. Instead, she cares about people. She has their best interest at heart. You do the same thing. Never once did you demand anything I couldn’t give you, and I took that for granted. I know it hurt you when I accepted Lord Hedwrett’s proposal. You wouldn’t have intervened except you knew how awful he was. You were only looking out for me, and that was when I realized I loved you.”

  She paused again to see if he would say anything.

  “I suppose this is the point where I say all is forgiven and then take you to bed so I can officially make you my wife?” he asked, his tone as void of emotion as his expression was.

  She swallowed. This was turning out to be much more difficult than she’d expected, and she didn’t think that was going to be possible. “No, I don’t expect you to do that.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  “Because I want to make things right.”

  He crossed his arms. “And how will they be made right?”

  “Well, I…um…”

  She supposed he made a good point. The only way things could be made right would be for him to forgive her and make their marriage official. But apparently, that wasn’t going to happen. She struggled to blink back her tears. She didn’t want him to relent because he felt sorry for her. She wanted him to want to forgive her. She quickly glanced away and pretended to cough so she could wipe the tears away.

  When she could trust herself to keep her emotions under control, she said, “I don’t know how I can earn your forgiveness. I don’t want to live in another townhouse. I want to be here with you. I want you to think of me like you used to. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently so we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.”

  “But you can’t go back. We are stuck here.” This time bitterness laced his words.

  She couldn’t do this anymore. She was going to keep crying, and there was no way she could stop it. She hurried to the door, relieved she’d managed to turn away from him before he saw her tears.

  Recalling the other piece of information she had to tell him, she mustered the rest of her courage and said, “There’s something else you should know. I was Mr. Squire today. I asked Lord Edon and Mr. Robinson to take me to White’s so that I could find out what kind of wife I could be to make you happy. I’m sorry I deceived you again.” Since the tears were now coming so fast they blurred her vision, she rushed out of the room before he could hear the tears in her voice.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Roger stared at the door after Lilly closed it. His first impulse was to run after her, but the more logical part of him stopped himself. Running after her had been what he used to do. Even when she flirted with other gentlemen at balls, he’d run after her. When she accepted Lord Hedwrett’s proposal, he’d decided he would never run after her again, no matter what.

  But he’d heard her crying. She’d been trying to hide it from him, but he heard it all the same.

  Maybe this time she was sincere. Maybe she was telling him the truth. Maybe she wanted to give their relationship a real chance.

  He groaned. Why was he always so quick to believe the best about her? When was he going to realize she couldn’t be trusted? She had, after all, dressed up as Mr. Squire and deceived him. In fact, she hadn’t only deceived him. She’d deceived all of the others at White’s, too.

  The only reason you know she was Mr. Squire is because she told you. She could have continued lying about that. Then you would never have known the truth. Certainly, her honesty means something.

  But that didn’t take away from the fact that she disguised herself in the first place. She had asked him all of those questions about what made a lady an attractive prospect for marriage so that she could put on the façade of being a good wife. She did that to snare him back into her net.

  If that was true, wouldn’t she have told me to give “my wife” another chance? She could have suggested I be lenient on her. She could have tried to make me feel guilty for spurning her. Maybe her intentions really are sincere.

  He shook his head. No. She only missed having her devoted follower pining after her. If he ran after her now, he’d be a fool. And was that what he wanted? To be a fool for the rest of his life?

  Frustrated, he threw off the robe and put his clothes back on. He had to get out of this townhouse. He couldn’t think clearly here. He was too close to Lilly, and there were too many emotions at war within him.

  She always did this to him. From the moment he met her, she’d confounded him. One day he would believe he had a chance to be her husband, and the next day, he would panic that she’d choose someone else. He’d been dragged through so many sleepless nights because of her that he couldn’t even begin to count them all.

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nbsp; Without bothering to check his reflection to see if he’d put his cravat on properly, he plopped the hat on his head and slipped into his coat. He had to get out of here before he gave in to the ridiculous part of him that wanted to go to her bedchamber. The sensible part of him breathed a sigh of relief when he made it to the front door.

  The footman hurried to open the door, but Roger held his hand up to stop him. “I can do it myself.”

  Roger marched out of the townhouse and kept moving so he wouldn’t turn back. He had to keep going. It was necessary he put as much distance between him and Lilly as possible. It always helped to be away from her. When he was away from her, he could think clearly.

  When the urge to run back to the townhouse subsided, he was walking past Aaron’s townhouse. He slowed and came to a stop. He hadn’t planned to go here, but maybe it wasn’t a bad idea. He could keep walking around London, but he didn’t feel like it. A talk with his friend might be the very thing he needed. Aaron had helped to remind him why it was pitiful to keep pursuing Lilly before. He could do so again.

  He bounded up the steps of the townhouse and knocked on the door. A breeze swept over him. With a shiver, he put his hands in the pockets of his coat.

  A few seconds passed before the footman opened the door. “Good evening, Mr. Morris. Is there something I can help you with?”

  “Is Lord Northton available?” Roger asked.

  The footman nodded and gestured for him to enter the townhouse. “I’ll let him know you’re here.”

  Thanking him, Roger walked into the entryway and took his hands out of his pockets. The footman helped him out of his coat and hat, placed them on the hooks by the door, and then went to find Aaron. Roger went over to a nearby chair and sat down. What a day. It had started off so well. He recalled how confident he’d been when he woke up. He’d honestly believed he had managed to overcome his mindless devotion to Lilly.